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Location: Rochester, New York, United States

I'm suddenly at a loss for words.

Monday, February 28, 2005

Tough Monday Night

Tonight I am alone, and I am actually quite lonely. Only children are never usually lonely - we are our own best friends. We dance alone, clean apartments alone, watch bad TV and eat ice cream alone. But tonight is different. I pressed play on my CD player, climbed up into my big ol' window with a beer and a cigarette, and indulged myself with this sorry, grey, solitary mood.

It is dark and snowing out, slippery and wet. Cars leave slushy ribbons behind, a wobbly bike trail, shuffly trails of footprints. I see his car drive by, wonder what the other one is doing, and feel my heart grow heavy with memories of The One. The One who gave me this music, which is suddenly sad and meaningful.

I think about why I moved here. What did I accomplish. How stupid my "I came here to pout" story is becoming. What I need to do if I want to move home. Why I can't bring myself to do it. How I went from being in the middle of things to flitting about the periphery.

I am hugging my knees, feeling my heart beat and move me. I can see my reflection in the window and I'm moving to my pulse. I feel my broken tail bone. I feel my head start to ache a little. I rest my head against the frigid glass and look down at the sidewalk 30 feet below.

The CD changes and I get down. It was gratifying painful. But it's time to do something else.